September 2006 Archives

Every year (okay, the last 3 years) Bill and I plan elaborate costumes for the girls. We come up with the idea and then I make the costume. Maddie was Wonder Woman when she was one. The girls were Pebbles and BamBam last year. This year, we racked our brains for weeks to come up with a good idea. We had it all planned out -- they would be aviators (I found the old-fashioned hats online) and we would make the wagon into an airplane. We would pull the girls in it on Halloween night.

We thought it was a great idea and couldn't wait to get started.

That is, until we took a trip to Target one night. We went by the Halloween costume area and Maddie's eyes lit up and got round as saucers as soon as we saw it -- a Belle from Beauty and the Beast costume. She looked at Bill and I with pleading eyes and begged to put it on. We let her try it on (just putting her arms through the sleeves, nothing else. She stared at herself in the mirror for at least 5 minutes. Twirling and looking over her shoulder. It came time to go and we couldn't get the thing off her. We ended up buying it and now she will be Belle for Halloween. Josie, who really doesn't care much at this point, will be Tinkerbell. We looked over at her with her little blond ponytail and it just fit.

Maddie just turned 3 years-old. I thought we had at least one more year to go before she had opinions of her own.

Me and my shadow (ie. my baby sister).

See more self-portraits here.

I'm the oldest of three kids. When we were really young, our family was very well-off, financially. We were basically given anything we wanted. We had all the latest toys and clothes. I had a new car at 16, etc.

Soon after, our family unit fell apart and so did the comfortable lifestyle we had been enjoying. We went from the highest of highs to the absolute lowest of lows. I dropped out of college to help pay the utility bills. My brother worked after school in high school to help pay for groceries. I remember going to stand in line for food stamps. My mother, devastated by all of it and bedridden due to surgery that happened simultaneously with everything else, was completely incapacitated.

Unfortunately, all of this meant that my brother and sister were not able to enjoy some of the luxuries that I had enjoyed, being the oldest child. I feel pangs of regret for the fact that they had to watch me enjoy such nice things, and then along with the upset of their childhoods, they also had to endure the knowledge that they wouldn't be enjoying those same things as well. I know they still feel some jealousy to this day. And instead of feeling lucky to have those things I did, I feel absolute regret.

That feeling has stuck with me for all this time. I'm still trying to understand these feelings and how they play a part in my interactions with my own kids. I'm adamant that both Maddie and Josie receive the same amount of attention, the same opportunities, the same amount of pictures in the photo albums, and on and on. I can't help it. I even analyze how much attention Bill is giving either child and whether one is being preferred over the other one. Did he kiss Maddie and throw her up in the air when he got home? Did he then go to Josie and do the same thing? I sewed Maddie's birthday dresses for her first and second birthdays, but I bought Josie's. Will she feel like I didn't love her enough to put that time and effort into it?

I realize this issue I have is a bit out of control, but I don't want the girls to ever compare their childhoods and feel like either one was slighted or left out. Yes, things are sometimes out of our control, but I'll forever be measuring the things that are.

This is sort of an odd post as my family/childhood dog died last week. She was a little Pekingese named Peke (what else?) and she was nearly 17 years old.

I'm grateful that she lived as long as she did.

When we were little, my brother, sister and I wanted a dog more than anything else. My mom, being a bit of a neat-freak (which I'm afraid I've inherited) refused to let us have one. Maybe a hamster? No. It took long hours of bargaining to even get her to let us have a goldfish.

My aunt, on our side, offered to buy us a dog if my mom would agree to it. Racked with guilt, she agreed to go to the pet store with us one day to look at dogs. We walked around, looking at all the little puppies in the windows. Then, in the back of the store I found a little Pekingese, black with a little bit of reddish fur and two gigantic black eyes. She was six weeks old. I asked to hold her and she cuddled up under my chin and nuzzled into my shirt. My brother and sister immediately loved her as well. Could we please have her? My mom wasn't so sure and then we made her hold the little puppy. As soon as she nuzzled her neck, the look on my mom's face told us it was a done deal.

We got our dog who was named Peke Zsa Zsa (my mom's choice of names) and she became the darling of our family. My mother, completely opposed to having animals in the house, now took Peke for monthly grooming appointments (where she got pigtails) and let her sleep in her bed.

Over the years old age took a toll on the little dog. She wasn't much of a fan of children or other dogs anymore. She was pampered and treated like a little queen. Three years ago, she went in for a simple procedure that required a little anesthetic. Peke had a heart attack and went into a coma. Her heart had actually stopped for long enough that she was considered dead for a minute or two. The vet said he doubted she would ever wake up. We were all prepared to bury her the next day. The next morning she woke up out of her coma, wagging her tail and begging for treats. We called her our little zombie dog.

In the past few months, Peke had become completely paralyzed and partially blind. Last week, right before she died, her eye had started to sink back into her head (something gross that I don't completely understand). On Thursday, my cousin was holding her when Peke looked right up into her eyes and died.

Rest in peace, Peke.

This happened a few months ago, but it was so embarassing that only now can I talk about it.

We were at our favorite ice cream shop when the owner came outside with some balloons and a pump. She was making balloon animals for the kids sitting nearby.

With a twinkle in his eye, Bill very loudly stated that I would probably like one. Knowing where this was going (or at least I thought I knew where it was going) I smiled and shrugged and said that he was saying that because I'm a professional clown.

Oh really? she said. Well, then you can probably show me some new ones. I asked her what she knew and told her a few more that I could do. We decided I would make a parrot that could be put on your shoulder. She handed me a balloon and the pump and

...my mind went completely blank.

I literally stared at that balloon for what seemed like ten minutes. I decided to give it a try with what little I could remember and I sort of started making it but got even more lost along the way. I think I ended up making something that looked more like a mongoose than a parrot.

I stammered something about it being a long time and gave up. She looked at me like I was an alien. She then asked the girls (my OWN children!) if they would like her to make a balloon animal for them.

You have to understand just how humiliating this was for me:

1) I AM a professional clown. At least, I was up until about two years ago. I haven't done any gigs since. But before that, I had done clowning for about 11 years.

2) I can do balloon animals in my sleep. Give me thirty kids and I can give each one whatever they want as a balloon. And I can do all thirty in about 5 minutes. I can rock a children's party like nobody's business.

3) She asked my children, my own children who have a clown for a mother (how many times has my husband thought that?), if they would like her to make balloon animals for them. Mommy couldn't do it so she needed to step in.

I still cringe thinking about the whole situation. Bill laughed the whole way home because apparently, he hadn't planned on telling her I was a clown in the first place. It was ME who opened my big mouth.

Don't you wish you could send cards like these during those oh-so frustrating moments?

But I'd probably have to follow them up with something like this:

Yet another playground photo (can you tell where I spend most of my time?) This is a pic of me doing an underdog, just like I used to do in school at recess. Bill dared me to do it and I actually made it, though just barely.

More self-portraits can be seen here.

I love Project Runway, this season in particular. My favorite designer is Laura. I love her not only for her designs but her witty comments as well. I love her bitchiness. It's so full of truth.

My favorite quote of all time is:
... it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a minivan. So I just don't go there.

Love it! It's hard to reason that you should wear anything else when you're home all day with people who really don't mind wiping their spaghetti sauce hands or snotty noses on you. Laura has inspired me to put a little more effort in my appearance, at least for my sake. I don't think I'll be wearing cocktail dresses to fold the laundry, but I'll try a little harder.

Check out this hilarious video from a recent Saturday Night Live skit. I won't be wearing these.

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

- Adele Faber

Love love love this.

How many times have you wanted to throw the phone out the window because you're stuck in an automated phone system trying to ask a particular question?

Go to the Get Human Database and actually speak to real, live people. Direct phone numbers and the numbers to push to actually interact with humans.

(Bill was standing right below Maddie, ready to catch her at any moment.)

I'm a pretty laid-back mom. Almost negligent at times, I'm sure. I know life is full of scrapes and bruises and I understand their necessity as learning tools. I'm cool with that.

I've said the words "Brush it off!" since the girls were born. Now, it's second-nature for them to brush their hands when they get up from a fall. There are only so many times I'll warn them about something until I just let them do it and realize the effects. (I'm talking about light things here, not fire or guns.) Maddie jumps in the deep of the pool and I casually lean over and fish her out of it. Josie takes too big of a bite and I do a finger swipe while I carry on my conversation with someone else.

But I swear to God I nearly have a heart attack whenever I see them on a jungle gym.

Since they were born, I have this ongoing scenario in my head about them falling and landing on their head or neck the wrong way and being paralyzed or worse. I cringe when Bill is rough-housing with them and their neck turns a certain way while they fall. Or when Maddie tries to climb on the arm of the couch and ends up falling on the floor, flat on her back. It's so disturbing that I can actually see and hear the whole thing in my head. Isn't that demented?

Or so I thought until I was talking with some friends of mine who are also moms:

Carolyn is afraid of her kids choking.
Bridgette fears that her child will drown.
Emily is scared of a car wreck hurting her child.

Each one of them has this scenario in her head of what would happen if that fear were to come true. They've seen it in their nightmares too. They are almost fanatical about safety in that particular area. But other areas? Not so much. Maybe we should hang out together with our kids all the time. That way we'll each cover one of the areas of safety for all the children.

I volunteer myself as playground monitor.

- The renewed interest Bill and I are having for each other now that the girls are getting a little older and {slightly} less dependent on us.
- Cooler weather. Thank goodness for cooler weather in Atlanta! The days are finally bearable enough that the girls can play outside during the day and we can enjoy dinners outside in the evening. (I love the fact that Atlanta has so much outdoor seating in their restaurants!)
- Discovering a new Italian restaurant that reminds Bill and I of the place where we first met. It was a little Italian restaurant in our college town where we both worked as servers/bartenders. Sadly, it's no longer standing. It was raized a few years ago to build a medical office.
- Maddie's first soccer game tomorrow. We can't wait to see how it goes.
- Time alone this week for about 3 hours. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself while the girls were at MMO. I got back about half an hour early to make sure I would be there when they were done. I just sat in the parking lot, staring at the door.
- Time alone with Josie. My youngest often gets overlooked by the activities and precocious-ness of her older sister. She and I get to enjoy a morning alone while she takes a little baby tumbling class. Afterwards we visit the ducks at the pond and read books at the library.

As I mentioned in the last Grateful Friday, Maddie started attending a Mother's Morning Out program last week. It's hosted by a local church where they basically babysit your kid from 9am-12noon so you can do whatever you need to do that you don't ever get to do. We're keeping her home until kindergarten so this is a way for her to get out and play with other kids in a "school" type setting. Maddie was so excited about her first day at "school".

She was so excited, in fact, that she entered the front doors and took off running, no looking back. She ran straight into a room full of kids, said "Hi!" and went about joining them in whatever game they were playing. No fear. No apprehension.

I was glad. No, really, I was. She is a fearless kid and I'm happy for it.

But...

Couldn't she have been a little more affected by leaving me? I mean, I lay awake the night before worrying about what I was doing and if it really was selfish of me to pawn my kids off to someone else so I could have a little free time (they've never been away from me, other than with family members or our babysitter who is a close family friend). I played scenarios in my mind where Maddie clung to my leg, crying that she didn't want me to leave her. Or where she was a little intimidated by the "teachers" and all the new kids.

Instead, I said goodbye, gave her a kiss and was met with, "See ya, Mommy!"

We'll see how it all goes when Josie attends her first day next week. I had to practically pry her away the other day when we dropped Maddie off. She wanted so badly to go with her big sister and play with the kids. She's a timid, very shy kid, though, so we'll see what really happens once I leave her next week.

As with everything else in my life, nothing is ever as I expect or imagine it to be. For better or worse.

This week's entry is in two parts:

First, the positive pregnancy test .

Then, the ecstatic expressions on the faces of my husband Bill and I. We found out, stood there dumbfounded, and then immediately grabbed the camera. You can't tell from this shot, but we were both teary-eyed as well.

We had just gotten engaged 2 months before, after dating for nearly 6 years. We had set the date for the wedding and plans were moving forward. Then, we discovered we were having a baby. Not only having a baby, but having a baby whose due date was the date of our wedding. Talk about a change of plans!

We moved our wedding date up by 3 months, and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect wedding. We both joke that Maddie attended our wedding as well. She made her presence known by kicking the entire time during the vows.

It vibrates the crib. Genius!

It beats driving around in your car for two hours in the middle of the night trying to get the little one to sleep for just a little bit.

I was shopping at TJ Maxx with the girls the other day. There were only two cashiers and there had to be at least 8 people in each of the two lines. We waited quite a while.

The girls were restless so I let Josie sit in the actual cart with a book to read. She hates sitting in the kid seat in the front and I was tired of carrying her. Maddie stood with me and helped me push the cart forward a few inches every five minutes. (Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration)

I get up to the register to pay. I turn to hand the cashier my credit card and I hear a loud crash right next to me. Josie had stood up in the cart at the same time that Maddie was climbing on the side of the cart. The whole cart has tipped over and fallen on top of Maddie, Josie still inside.

I freak out.

I'm usually calm, but this was insane. I rush over, trying to lift the cart off Maddie who is on the floor screaming. Josie's still in the cart and my mind is just not working rationally to understand that I should take Josie out of the cart and then lift it off of Maddie. I can only lift it a few inches enough that it's not actually laying on her. The cashier runs over and helps me by lifting Josie while I grab Maddie. I immediately check for broken bones. I think that her leg has been hurt when the cashier -- still holding Josie -- points out that it's actually Maddie's arm that has been hurt. She has a gigantic bruise appearing and I'm still trying to figure out if it's broken. Luckily, it's not.

I look up, and -- I kid you not -- the entire line of people behind me are just standing there watching the whole thing happening. No one rushes forward to help. Josie is screaming. Maddie is screaming. Both want me to hold them. After a minute or two, I finally get them calmed down. At this point, neither girl wants to let go of me, so I somehow gather my wallet and diaper bag and the sippy cup and book that have fallen on the floor.

No one else says or does a thing.

The woman about 2 feet behind me in line doesn't say a thing. When I look back at her, she's doing one of those impatient rolls of the head followed by a sigh. The whole fiasco has just kept her waiting in line even longer.

People just stare at me. The sippy cup is actually near the foot of a man nearby. He doesn't reach down to get it for me as I struggle to hold both girls at once. No one asks if the girls are okay. No one even gives one of those sympathetic smiles. I feel like I'm in some kind of Stepford world where no one has compassion except the cashier who has somehow figured out a way to keep from being turned into a robot.

Is it just my Midwestern upbringing or should I not have expected people to be more caring, or more helpful? I just think about myself in that situation, and I've been in similar ones, where I rush forward to do what I can to help. Pick up a dropped toy or bag. Or, at the very least, I show concern afterwards.

Am I seriously the only one who thinks like this?

Parent Hacks is offering a free copy of Modern Girls Guide to Parenting if readers answer the following question on their blogs:

What's your favorite parenting blog or website that doesn't get as much attention as it deserves?

Mine is definitely Kiddley. While it's a relatively new blog, I love the ideas it has for activities with your kids, recipes, etc. It's the spawn of Claire Robertson at Loobylu. Plus, like Loobylu, the illustrations are fabulous (thanks to Claire herself).

Last weekend Bill and I took the girls for a long bike ride. We ended up going about 10 miles round trip. Halfway through, we stopped to eat at a little pub/restaurant chain that's popular around here. It's the kind of place where it's just fine to wear your old shorts and t-shirt and just sit down and have a burger.

For some reason (maybe antsiness from the long ride?) the girls were complete monsters the entire time we were there. First, Maddie started kicking her feet under the table, hitting the back of the booth. We kept telling her to stop and she'd be fine and then start up again. Finally, we got her to sit sideways in the booth and chill out.

Then Josie started getting really cranky. I mean, really cranky. Thrashing her body around and whining and crying. I made constant attempts to walk her around, take her to the restroom, bounce her on my back, etc. until the food came.

Food comes, things are great for a while. Then the girls start up again. Maddie kicks her feet. Josie thrashes so hard that she's literally beating her head against the back of the booth. Time to get outta there. We immediately start packing up the kids to go.

Luckily (?) for us, the restaurant had those booths with really high backs, not letting you see the booths in front or behind you. We get ready to go and I take one last trip to the bathroom. On my way there, I pass the booth on one side of us. There's a young couple sitting there. I stop by quickly and apologize for Maddie kicking the booth. They give me blank stares. Feeling very uncomfortable, I continue my trip to the bathroom.

I get back, we grab our to-go boxes and leave. This time, on the way out, I stop by the booth on the other side. I smile and give a heartfelt apology to the couple for the fact that Josie kept banging her head against their booth. They both look at me. The man rolls his eyes and shakes his head disapprovingly. They don't say a word. Not a "it's okay" or "I understand, we have kids too" or "thank you for apologizing". NOTHING.

We get out to where our bikes are locked up and I'm furious. Yes, too many parents let their kids get away with murder. Yes, my kids were being pretty annoying. Yes, I made attempts to remove them from the situation, finally leaving the restaurant with half of our dinners in a takeout box. But I APOLOGIZED! I actually sucked up my pride and admitted my wrongdoing and said I'm sorry.

The anger proved to be well timed, though, as it fueled our 5-mile bike ride back home.

(Lovely couple, huh?)

- A nice BBQ at a friend's house to start off the Labor Day weekend -- despite the fact that Josie knocked over a torchiere lamp that shattered into a million pieces. Not sure I'll ever be invited back...

- The fact that Josie is finally wearing her glasses again. She's had to wear them since she turned a year old, but she hates wearing them. She's broken three pair as well. It has been a struggle to keep them on her, especially since it is really important that she wear them now to prevent any more damage to her eyes. Well, lo and behold, I get new glasses to wear and she has no problem wearing hers. She wants to be just like Mommy.

- Maddie's first soccer practice, where she kicked butt with all the other little 3 and 4 year-olds. She's one of 3 girls on her team, and she kept right up there with all the boys chasing the ball. Actually, I'm not sure if she even knew she was chasing the ball -- at one point she yelled, "Daddy, look at me! I'm running in circles!" -- but she put on a good show.

- Time to myself. Maddie just started attending a Mother's Morning Out program where she'll go and play with some kids her age for a couple of hours while I get time to myself. Josie starts next week. On one hand, I'm nervous about leaving my babies, but on the other I'm excited about the possibilities I'll have during those 3 hours alone. What will I do with myself?

- Dinner with old friends. It was an interesting dialogue between the three of us. We were all filling in for each other's needs. Out of three: 2 have kids, 1 is trying to have them; 2 are married, 1 is going through a divorce; 2 have jobs, 1 stays at home. It made for some really great conversation over lots of wine and burnt pizza.

- A long weekend with the girls and Bill where we really don't have too many things scheduled..

I love Ben Lee. I can't make it to this concert, so I'm passing the opportunity on to you. Go see Ben Lee!

Free exclusive Ben Lee concert.

time:
8:00 pm

here's the deal:
RSVP by calling 1-800-935-2447 and mention code ae0831. Space is limited and not guaranteed, so please arrive early. Print this e-mail now and bring it with you to the show.

**If you're interested in going, let me know and I'll forward the email invite to you.**