December 2006 Archives
When I worked at Make-A-Wish Foundation, I would frequently meet with parents of children with life-threatening illnesses. I can't tell you how many times I was shocked and amazed by the strength of the children and their parents. Some of them, despite having a glimmer of hope, knew that their children wouldn't be with them much longer.
Parents often blame themselves for their children's mistakes. They believe they could have done something. They also blame themselves for their children's health and well-being. I remember looking into the face of one mother who was racked with guilt because she couldn't explain why this was all happening to her child. The doctor's couldn't provide her with an answer, so it must be something she had done. She carried her child in her womb while it was developing, so obviously something went wrong along the way and it was related to her. At the time, I couldn't quite understand why she would feel this way. It's just a fluke in genetics. You can't blame yourself.
But now I do.
Our youngest daughter, Josie, was born with a few difficulties of her own. She was a scheduled c-section. When she was born, they held her over the curtain for me to see. Such a sweet, quite chubby little baby. All the doctors said she looked "healthy" because of her size. I heard her first little cry and boy, was she angry. To this day, you still don't wake that baby up from a nap until she's ready.
They took her to the warmer to be cleaned up. Then her little cries changed. Then they turned to little whimpers. I heard some scuffling around me. Bill was with her so I called out and asked if everything was okay. Everyone kept assuring me it was, but I knew from their voices that something was wrong. I kept asking. Even Bill, not wanting to worry me, said that everything was alright. After a few minutes they brought her over to me, swaddled, and let me look at her for a few seconds. Then the nurse assured me again that everything was okay, but that they needed to have a closer look at her because she was having a little trouble breathing. Nothing to worry about. And I didn't worry much because Maddie had been born with a little muconium and had had a little trouble clearing her lungs at first.
About 30 minutes pass while they stitch me back up. Bill and I had agreed (with both Maddie and Josie) that he was to stay with the baby. He needn't stay with me. So I assumed he was with Josie. They wheeled me into the post-natal room for awhile until the anesthesia could wear off. Bill met me there, but Josie wasn't with him. The nurse with him explained that she needed a little more attention so they were taking her up to the NICU for awhile. And there I am, in a room of about 10 women who had just given birth, all of them holding their babies. And my arms were empty. I wanted to cry, and I remember being so scared. All I wanted to do was get to my room so I could then go see Josie and find out what was happening. Eventually, they wheeled me to my new room and I got settled in.
It's almost two hours after her birth and I still haven't held my new baby.
Bill spent the next hour or so trying to find out what was happening and somehow found a way to report it all back to me. At first he couldn't find her. Eventually he found her, but he wasn't allowed to touch or hold her. She was in a NICU "holding" room, where she was being evaluated before they officially admitted her into the NICU. She had been having trouble breathing. She couldn't seem to do it on her own, without support from the nurses. Bill went to the viewing area of that examination area and took pictures of her with our digital camera, so he could show me later.
I spent all afternoon and evening waiting to hear more news. I had to call all of our family and friends to announce the birth. I also had to tell them that I hadn't seen her since and that she wasn't doing so well.
Finally, at around midnight, they told Bill and I that she had been moved to another NICU holding area, but one that allowed us to visit her. More than 14 hours after she was born, I finally got to hold my baby.
Over the next 4 days, i spent as much time as I could in the NICU with Josie. Still recovering from the c-section, I had to slowly inch my way there, but it was worth it to actually hold her. The problem with her breathing had changed. She was now able to breathe on her own, but stopped when she was eating. She was on a feeding tube for a while. Her respiration was monitored constantly. Sometimes Bill or I would hold her a certain way and her oxygen levels would fall. We'd have to quickly change our posture to help her breathe well again (it later turned out that the pulse ox attached to her toe kept falling off. No one told us and prevented any of the short heart attacks we kept having.) Tests confirmed that she had a small leak, or fistula, in her esophagus and trachea. Basically, her food sometimes went straight to her lungs (and vice versa in that her breathing would create horrible gas in her stomach). We fed her little bottles of thickened formula, thick enough that it wouldn't pass through the little leak.
Two days after she was born, I was allowed to try and breastfeed Josie. I held her to my breast and she latched on and did amazingly well. I couldn't believe it. I'd had such a learning curve when I was trying to breastfeed Maddie and it was no problem with Josie. It was the best feeling in the world breastfeeding her. I know that sounds weird, especially to those who don't have kids, but it's not sexual in any way. I was finally able to hold my baby and actually feed her and be her mother, instead of just the woman visiting her a couple of times a day. She did well that day and we thought that she might be going home soon if everything kept getting better at that rate.
The next morning, I went down to the NICU to feed Josie. My milk had come in overnight (as opposed to the collostrum or "premilk" the night before) and I couldn't wait to feed her and hold her again. I held her to my chest, she latched on perfectly, and immediately turned blue and stopped breathing. The monitors went off like crazy and the nurses had to quickly grab her and revive her. I sat there and -- to this day-- cannot describe the emotions I was feeling. Panic. Numbness. Worry. And...guilt. I had nearly asphyxiated my own baby by feeding her.
There were so many things afterwards that added to the guilt: I was discharged from the hospital and sent home while Josie had to stay behind. Later, when I was able to pump my breastmilik and add a thickening agent (so it would go past the fistula) we discovered that Josie was allergic to something I was eating and would scream in pain after every feeding. The heart monitor I carried around, attached to her for almost 3 months, was a constant reminder as well.
And I understood what that mother had been feeling. I finally felt the intense guilt one feels when you can only blame yourself for something hurting your child - because you have no answers. And you need answers. And since you don't have a faith to fall back on, you have to rely on science. And in your mind, the scientific facts point directly back at you.
And I still have those pangs of guilt. I had had two glasses of wine when I was pregnant with Josie (the doctor had actually recommended it to calm the Braxton Hicks contractions that had started in my 6th month). Was that exact day the one when her trachea had been developing? I cheated and ate deli meat now and then. Did that contribute to her many allergies? I dyed my hair (not bleach, just dye). Did that cause her eczema? I could sit here and analyze every exact thing I did during Josie's pregnancy and I still won't be able to absolve myself from any guilt in her health problems today.
Hopefully, that guilt will lessen over time. Especially if she grows out of some of the problems she has right now. And maybe instead of being the one who caused those problems, I'll be the one who helps make them go away.
Just a few weeks after Maddie was born, Bill and I were at a bookstore when a really nice guy commented on how cute Maddie was and asked how old she was. We got into a conversation with him, talking about lots of different things. He called his wife over and it seemed that we all had a lot in common. We even mentioned getting together for dinner sometime. We talked for about 20 minutes. Then came the clincher:
"Can I tell you about this great business opportunity I've discovered?"
They were trying to recruit us into some Amway-type sales program. We said we weren't interested, but afterwards Bill and I were actually pretty bothered/hurt by the whole thing. We thought we had made a connection with these people and they were just using us.
That has happened to each of us SO many times. By now it seems that any type of business like this would at least come up with a new sales strategy. I swear that each time someone has approached me about something like that, it has always included the line "Can I tell you about this great business opportunity I've discovered?"
I'm usually so turned off by this method of sales that I never even consider the product. For example, Josie has severe eczema and we've had to resort to using steroid creams almost every other day. There's only one brand of lotion that doesn't break her out and it hasn't been thick enough during these dry winter months. My mother-in-law has a friend who is a consultant and sells a line of skincare (I won't say the name) from her home. She kept telling my MIL about this lotion they have that does wonders for babies with eczema. My MIL ended up buying the intro pack and sending it to us. I was so skeptical. Okay, I was downright, without a doubt, completely convinced that it was all a waste. Josie is allergic to so many things found in other lotions (mineral oil, etc.) and this lotion has so many ingredients that I just didn't see it working. But Bill and I agreed to give it a try so we waited until a day when her skin was pretty clear. We put some on her leg just to test. No reaction. The next day we put some on both of her legs. No reaction. Well, actually there was a reaction: Her skin was completely clear and soft. It felt even better than each time we used the steroid creams. I still couldn't believe it so we kept putting it on each night and monitoring the results. No reaction from Josie either (she usually cries with the steroid creams because they burn when you first put them on the irritated skin). I'm not saying this is any kind of miracle cream since each child's skin is different, but you have no idea what it was like to hold my baby and feel her baby soft skin instead of rough patches. Seeing her go for days without constantly scratching was a relief as well.
And there are so many great products out there that are immediately rejected by people because of their sales strategies. When I was 18 I sold knives in this same way. Demonstrations in people's homes. Cut through a penny with the scissors. Cut through a rope with the steak knife. I was an awful salesman and managed only to get my family and friends of the family to buy them. But they were, and still are, GREAT knives. I bought a set for my mom back then and they are still like new. Honestly, they are the best knives I've ever used. Maybe someday I'll actually buy some for myself. If I can hunt down a sales consultant, that is.
Who's mom didn't have Tupperware parties when you were little? And Tupperware is great! They have some great products and really neat innovative ideas to solve kitchen annoyances. And Avon? I'm not a fan of the makeup, but c'mon, you can't beat the Skin So Soft in the summertime. Keeps those buggers away from you and the kids.
But here's the rub: Anyone reading this would probably think that I'm actually a consultant for one of these companies. See the problem? It can be a great product, but who's going to believe any good reviews you have when there are suspicions that you might be trying to sell it as well. There's just no sincerity in the marketing.
I was closing down the spa tonight when I noticed a return on a gift certificate. I was curious about who would return a gift certificate to a spa. I checked out the slip and noticed this in the space for the reason for the return:
We are no longer a couple.
Ouch.
May your holiday be, um, joyful.
I'm sending you fruitcake for Christmas this year:
Every year, despite all my efforts to be ahead of the game, I'm still getting Christmas cards together up until the last minute (last minute being Christmas itself). This year, I thought I'd go ahead and get my address labels ready in October, but then I thought it was just ridiculous to start so early so I waited and here I am, scrambling to get my act together.
Plus, we didn't order enough cards this year. We had 60 people to send cards to, but I could only buy them in bulks of 25. I didn't want so many left over (besides, they were expensive) so I now have to decide who gets the generic cards instead of the cute picture cards we made. It's like cutting people from your guest list. Is A a better friend that B. C'mon, would C really appreciate the cute pics of the girls, as opposed to D, even though D isn't such a great friend?
On another note, I LOVE receiving cards, but we haven't gotten so many this year. Does this mean everyone is running late, or are we not as popular anymore? And what about those people who have only sent us a card after they received ours?
I got my hair cut yesterday. I made an appointment at a salon where I usually go. Different stylist, but I never have one that I visit anyway. I'd already colored my hair light brown (similar to my natural color) so I thought a quick trim would really make the color look nice.
Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? I HATE my hair. It's bad. Really bad.
Now, I've had bad haircuts before (one guy shaved Vanilla Ice-style stripes on the sides one time when he was just learning to cut with a razor) and I've even had my hair as short as half an inch in the past. Yeah, that short looked good then. But not now. I really wasn't intending to go that short again. And most of all, I wasn't intending to HAVE NO BANGS AT ALL!!!!! That's right. My bangs have been cut down to the nub. So much so that Bill asked me last night what that was near my temple. I looked and realized it was an area that used to have hair. It had been shaved nearly bald.
I've never cried about my hair before. It's just hair, right? It will grow back. But... {holding back tears} it's never been anything like this. I can't believe I look like a freak just a week before Christmas. I'm hoping each day's growth will help it a little. And it makes my new brunette self look even weirder.
Fight back the tears.
Fight back the tears.
Fight back the tears.
Oh, to hell with it...
For Gemini on 12/14/06:
Your attitude toward people might be changing today -- suddenly, instead of replying immediately to emails and flirting up a storm, you may be looking forward to an extended period of time alone. This is a good sign! It means that you're focusing on what you need, not on what you think you need. Listen to yourself, and give yourself the emotional distance you seek right now. Even if you have to cancel a social obligation, you should respect yourself enough to do so. -
Dammit, why didn't I listen to my horoscope today? I attended party this afternoon with people I really don't like, but I thought I'd give it a try. It turns out that this is one of those social obligations I should have canceled.
It's not that I have any hatred or ill-will towards this group, it's just that they're toxic friends and I'm all about getting those out of my life right now.
I hate cats.
Specifically, neighborhood cats.
Especially ones that repeatedly spray my front door.
Damn cats.
Here's the film that Bill wrote, produced, and directed:
At the premiere on Thursday night, the head of the network where Bill works came up to him and said that he loved it. Many of the other films were inside jokes for the industry, but Bill's was one of the only ones that had a much broader audience as a romantic comedy.
I'm very proud of my husband and everyone else should be too. Even though the film is only 5 minutes long, it took weeks and weeks of preparation (and stress) on Bill's part, and I think he pulled it off beautifully. Oh, and try not to be too harsh on the actors. Only one out of the three had ever done acting before... and I think you can guess that I'm not that one.
I'm sitting at a mall kiosk right now completely bored out of my mind.
I work at a spa in the evenings. I work at the front desk ("guest services") where I check people in, check them out, make appointments. The easiest job I've had in my life. I joke that I stay home with the girls all day and then go to work to a place where candles are burning, voices are whispers, and you are encouraged to relax. How nice is that? Plus, the perks are pretty nice. I get amazing discounts on their products and services. And by amazing, I mean, sometimes free. Yeah, sweet.
Anyway, it's crazy holiday season so the spa has a kiosk set up in the middle of the mall, specifically for selling gift certificates. Last Christmas there were lines out the door for people trying to buy gift certificates. Particularly, hordes of men on Christmas Eve trying to get something for their wives/girlfriends/mothers/sisters.
So I'm sitting here. And I haven't sold a thing in the past 2 hours. No one has even stopped by to ask anything. Ooops, I take that back. One guy did stop by to look for his "mother". He then introduced himself to me, asking my name and if he could call me sometime. I casually scratched my cheek with my left hand and said that my husband might not be so pleased about that. You should have seen the look on his face. The poor boy turned bright red and ran away. And I do mean "poor boy" literally. He couldn't have been more than 21. Flattering, yes, but I don't miss the whole dating scene at all.
This time has made for some interesting people-watching, though. I don't usually hang out at the mall on a Friday night, so this is like a carnival for me. So THIS is where all the teenagers are! (We never see teens or kids any older than elementary school. Most people with kids move to the suburbs, especially as they get older.) Did I really act that silly at that age? I do know that I never wore THAT out of the house. Yikes.
Scary.
I joke about not wanting the girls to get older, but now I REALLY mean it. I'm just not prepared for the whole teenager thing. Yikes. Luckily, I've got a few years left to work on my strategy.
I got to attend the movie premiere with Bill last night. It was awesome. I'm so glad he was able to pull some strings to get me in (although, considering that I was the lead actress and not just his wife, I think it was legit.)
Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how cool the whole thing was. There were about 16 films, all of which were amazing, especially considering the time and money each person was given to produce them. And they ranged in subjects from puppetry to drama to comedy to music video to documentary to commercial, etc. Some had us laughing until we cried (including the film Bill starred in where he spent most of the time in his underwear. The movie poster had him posing in his underwear with a black bar across it. My handsome husband looked naked on a movie poster shown to hundreds of people.)
As for Bill's movie, it turned out great. It wasn't too bad seeing my gigantic head up on screen. The whole thing went by so fast. It may have taken five hours to shoot, but it was only 5 minutes long. The only stinker was the placement of his film among the others. His film came right after a couple of very funny comedies, so when the "aha" moment in his romantic comedy came, people were expecting to laugh out loud. Instead, there was a weird little titter among the audience like they weren't sure why it was funny. However, the head of the entire network came up to Bill beforehand and said he had seen the film and loved it. So that definitely instilled a little more confidence going into the viewing.
Bill received kudos from so many people afterwards too. While many of the films were really insider jokes about the industry or particular coworkers or execs, Bill's was more accessible to anyone watching. He got praise for his writing too -- wonderful since that's what he does for a living.
The whole event was awesome. Beautiful theater, great crooner-type band, awesome food, and delicious desserts (little chocolate mousse thingys in shot glasses. Mmmmmm). Bill looked great too. He actually went out and bought a new outfit to wear. You have no idea how proud of him I was for this! You see, he never buys clothes for himself...ever. He only gets new clothes each year from me for Christmas. He really just doesn't care about what's in style. His old jeans are fine with him as long as they fit and aren't falling apart. I actually love that he isn't so taken up in all of that. It keeps me grounded because I am into that stuff. He may be a changed man, though. Everyone kept coming up to him and telling him how good he looked and how much they liked his clothes. His interns were kidding him the whole night long about actually being stylish.
So he looked amazingly hot. And I hope I didn't look too bad myself. I thought I wouldn't be going so I had nothing to wear. I spent all yesterday morning trying to find something not too formal, kinda trendy, flattering to wear. Plus I had two doctor's appointments and the girls with me all day long. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something last minute (stress) plus drag around two toddlers (add more stress) during a very limited amount of time (oh-my-god stress) and still make sure you have enough time to get ready (oh-holy-shit stress)? I thought my head would explode yesterday, but thankfully it all worked out (thank you, Ann Taylor) and there was an open bar when we got to the event. I was worried about being too underdressed (the invite said "premiere wear" and what the hell is that?) but I think I fit in quite nicely and I even knew enough of his coworkers to actually leave Bill's side and do a little socializing myself.
As soon as Bill posts the film online, I'll let you know. It was one thing to show it to coworkers who were doing similar projects and understood it. But it's another to show it to friends and family. I think he's a little nervous about that. If not, then I definitely am. I just hope they remember that he is the one who wrote, produced, and directed the whole thing. He's not onscreen so I think people tend to forget how much work went into it and who to praise for all of that.
No, your computer monitor doesn't need to be adjusted. The majority of the front of my body really is red in this picture.
This was taken last year in September, when Bill's family rented a condo in Myrtle Beach. I had been working in our backyard a week before we left. I got poison ivy. Just a little bit on my ankle. Over the course of two days it spread all the way up and across my body. Including all of my chest. Not fun. You could hear me scratching from the other side of the house.
So we head to Myrtle Beach and I'm on a ton of steroids to stop the itching. The itching stopped but I didn't even think about being careful my first day in the sun. I got a really bad sunburn on top of the poison ivy.
Yep, I'm a real genius.
Despite the discomfort and odd stares from other people at the beach, I had a great time at the beach with Bill. My mom kept the girls, so we really did have a wonderful week all to ourselves.
Via Seth at Mostly Muppet:
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Hmmm.
