November 2007 Archives
Maddie wrote her own letter to Santa this year. I've scanned it and posted it below. Click on the pictures to see the notes on Flickr.
Front of letter
Back of letter
Forgive me for my proud mom moment, but Maddie is reading! It started out this summer as "c-a-t" and "d-o-g" but it's now progressed to even more words. She'll read things to me when we're in the car or if we see a sign in the store. I bought her some Nora Gaydos books to see if they interested her, and she absolutely loves them. We've almost finished the entire set. At night we'll sit down together and she'll read one of the stories to Bill and Josie and I. You should see the look on her face once she's done. She is SO proud of herself. Whenever she reads a full story without any help, she gets to put a sticker on the inside cover of that book. She works so hard to get that sticker and it absolutely makes her day when she does. I've walked into the playroom a few times to find her reading the little stories to Josie. I'm glad it makes her so happy and that she's so excited about it. It makes me happy, because I LOVED reading as a kid (still do, when I have time), so much so that I would hide under the covers at night with a flashlight and my book so my parents wouldn't see. If that's the only thing that I pass down to her, then I'll be happy. The world, and the possibility to learn about it, has been opened up to her.
When you are making out your holiday card list this year, please include one to the following:
A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20307-5001
Also, Xerox is doing something great this year. If you go to this web site, www.letssaythanks.com, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and send it to a soldier that is currently serving our Armed Forces. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to someone in need of a "pick me up" during the holidays. It's free and it only takes a second.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We took Sindri in this morning and had him put to sleep. Hard, hard morning.
He had gotten quickly worse over the last few days. What started as a hacking cough turned into a shortness of breath, then a rasping, growling sound when he breathed. He hadn't eaten a thing for three or four days, and could no longer sleep at night. Because it was harder for him when he was lying down, he would wander the halls into the late hours, shoulders slumped and wheezing, occasionally letting out a shrill bark at nothing. He didn't want to go out, didn't want to play, wouldn't even eat a piece of cheese, one of his favorite snacks. Alecia and I knew what needed to be done, but that didn't make it any easier.
We called our vet this morning to see if there was anything we could do for his pain or discomfort. As we suspected, there wasn't. So we set an appointment.
It was heartbreaking. We left the kids at the neighbors and brought Sindri in. They inserted a catheter, then administered a sedative. Next came the solution that stopped his heart. He didn't seem to feel anything, but it wasn't like falling asleep, either. He never closed his eyes or seemed to settle in, he just stopped breathing. His heart stopped beating, while his whiskers continued to twitch for a few minutes.
The whole thing only took about a half hour. The rapid pace of it all almost made it worse. It felt like there should have been more ceremony to the whole thing. On the way home, all I could think is that we should've at least spent the day at the park first, should've tried to give him some other foods he might like, should've done anything to send him out with more love and attention. Instead, it was too quick, too clinical.
The girls are fine with the whole thing, mainly because they don't understand. They know Sindri's not coming back, that he was sick and hurting--and now he's dead, and his pain is gone. But do they understand any of that? Of course not. I fully expect to get the question in a day or two: "Daddy, when's Sindri coming home?" We did the best we could to explain things without lying to them, but it all went right over their heads, and that's probably a good thing.
I knew it would be emotional, but I didn't expect the guilt I'm feeling, just the sadness and loss. It's harder than even I thought it would be, but at least it's all done. We can get on with things now. Focus on the holidays, focus on getting our other dog Mallory to lose some weight, focus on everything else going on. Hard day, but things will get better.
Thanks to everyone who's supported us through this difficult time.
Maddie has been having nightmares the past few months. It's nothing regular, usually only once a week or two. Still, it's a really scary thing for a parent to see. Her poor little face, still half-asleep and crying and paralyzed with fear. Your heart just breaks and you know there's nothing you can do to prevent them. You just have to be there after they happen and assure that things will be okay. I've read that this is normal for this age. Their imaginations are taking off while they are starting to understand more and process it in their little brains. The result is a confusion of the two, becoming nightmares.
Last night Maddie had another nightmare. Around 4am I heard a scream/shriek, "Mommyyyyyyyy!!!!" I ran in and held her and got her to stop crying. She told me that she'd had a nightmare that she fell down a hill and had lost me. I promised her that, if that were to happen, I would fall down that hill right after her so I could be with her. It made her smile a little and she fell right back asleep.
This is going to sound weird, but... I felt so good all day today because of that nightmare. It's no secret that Maddie is a daddy's girl. She and Bill have this bond that I both adore and begrudge at the same time. Daddy is the fun guy. Daddy is who she wants to play with. Daddy is to whom her smile absolutely beams. It's really a great thing. Really. I'm so glad that they have that connection -- the father/daughter connection that I never had. I really am happy about it.
But I'm also jealous. Growing up, my siblings and I were always really close to my mom. I guess I just assumed all children have that closeness with their mothers. I expected it of both of my kids as well. Knowing that I'm not first on the list with Maddie does hurt a little sometimes.
And that brings me to her nightmare last night. In the middle of her terror, to whom did she call out? Mommy. Who was she scared would be lost to her? Mommy. It shows that regardless of our day-to-day interactions, I am still someone very important in her life. That makes me warm inside.
Of course, now that I know that, I don't want her to have any more nightmares.
Has it really been that long since I last posted? I intended to take a little break from this blog and focus on things not related to the computer, but I guess I didn't think about when I'd get back. So of course I've been receiving a couple of emails from readers (really? seriously? people read this? I still think it's all a prank.) asking where I've been and if everything's okay. Yep, you betcha. Things are great and I've just begun to get caught up on the whirl of the holiday season. This is such a crazy time for our family. You see, starting in September, we've got:
- My aunt's birthday
- My brother-in-law's birthday
- My sister-in-law's birthday
- My nephew's birthday
- My step-brother's birthday
- My cousin's birthday
- Maddie's birthday
- My sister's birthday
- Our Disney vacation (this year)
- My mother-in-law's birthday
- Another sister-in-law's birthday
- My mother's birthday
- Another nephew's birthday
- Thanksgiving
- My brother's birthday
- Another brother-in-law's birthday
...and Christmas and New Year's and all the holiday activities included in those (almost every weekend in December is already accounted for.)
You see? It's easy to forget about blogging this time of year. For a brief while I thought about closing this blog down, but then I noticed that daily I would be "writing" some kind of blog post in my head, so it only seemed appropriate to have a place to put those thoughts (and not in the comments sections of other bloggers... Sorry about that ANP and Loralee.)
So expect to hear from me a little more, complaints and sighs and all. Like I said, I still won't believe that people actually read this blog, but at least I'll have something for Bill to read in his free time. {smile}
